geezermag04



The A.S.S.I.S.T Committee is proud to present...

For the benefit of those who remained unconscious during our recent server cyber boom, we wish to inform you that two Geezer Nag Mags were captured by nasty web trolls or some other dark, virtual demon.

The A.S.S.I.S.T Committee (Assisting Seniors Searching for Interesting Silly Trivia) has searched long and hard for the missing Geezer Mags, to no avail. We are not quitters....but, heck, cyber space is infinitely dark and web trolls are a devious lot, so we have decided to let go and get on with it. We will, however, leave spaces to insert the missing pages in case they are returned to us if/when the demons, aliens, trolls, or whatever have finished leafing through them.

First

The Geezer Quizuz in the last two issues were an absolute disaster, therefor...no quiz this feature. The A.S.S.I.S.T Committee consensus is, “Geezers don’t do well with quizuz”. One fine fellow, who most likely came out of hibernation a little late, submitted his answers AFTER the big boom had devoured the questions. Not to identify any specific participants here...but...really...talk about Merritime warps! Also, a Geezerette submitted two completely different forms hoping to boost her average. Yet another Granny Geezerette tried to bribe the judges with a pair of used Dr. Scholls sandals. The rest of yas, including you, Duckie, had embarrassingly low scores which don't even merit an honorable mention so...instead of a quiz we will just ask a simple contest question. We remain confident that we'll get a few simple answers this time.

The Simple Question is:

NAME "ONE" UNLIKELY WAY TO STOP A KILLER ASTEROID FROM COLLIDING WITH EARTH!

Example of a simple answer to The Simple Question:

Blanket the earth with a protective layer of trampolines. ( 2 in 1...protection + fun for everyone)

Nasa is holding it's breath people, so try to come up with your own unlikely innovation.



Important Notice
Seeing that the Geezer Mag is distributed to Geezers & Geezerettes across this great nation and is designed expressly to enlighten and inform, we thought it would only be proper to include at least one current event. We'll get it over with immediately so as to get on with the hooey.
Dear Citizens:
Given the nation's expanding waistline, we, at “The Office of Homeland Obesity” are inaugurating a federally funded program to combat said phenomenon. The new program is guaranteed to soak up all them fat taxpayers’ extra dollars............and then some.
Our first move is to issue a CD of reconstituted songs to encourage fat awareness.

......the rest, we'll play it by ear...

Editors note:
More governmental boondoggle!
After hearing the CD promo, Bertha, our volunteer importer/exporter, was looking into the possibility of C.O.D.'ing multiple copies of this CD and distributing them at a wholesale price to our members...silly Bertha!
The telephone conversation went as follows:
*LIVE* (electronically)
Ring, rrrring, rrrrring, rrrrrrrring, rrrrrrrrrring...boink...phzzitttt...crackle......
"Hello. This is the Great CDN Leaderses Universal PhoneMail system."
(Recorded in a nasal, hoity-toity voice)
-To leave a message press 1...NOW!
-If you'd like to press 1, press 5.
-For service in another language ( hé hé hé hé hé ) press deux, drei, quatro, or
-Press 9 for regular greetings.
-To press 9, press 3.
-From this main menu, press 8 to reach the optional answering menu.
When prompted by Ben Gali (who's packing a viscous accent); record two messages;
Record one message that plays back when no one answers.
Record a second message that plays back when the line is busy.
-OPTION- or...you may just record your favourite elevator music.
-When satisfied.....press any 4 digit number ( your choice ) and follow Ben Gali's instructions, if possible.
*NOTE: If you enter a specific number ( hint...between 4399 & 9344) you’ll receive the secret response key containing the code that’s needed to unlock all these menus......and Ben Gali will serve you dessert & coffee.
-If you have cash and wish to reach the order desk press # which is actually £ .
*NB All credit card numbers "will" be recorded....!!!!!!!
-To access the order desk clerk, press 0...NOW!...This will activate a gong.
-At the sound of the gong, say 'transfer' in the language of your choice, or anything else that comes to mind....however, we wish to advise you that our virtual, extremely sensitive, profanity detector has been known to send out mild electric shocks, therefore, if you engage in uncouth language remove the receiver from your ear. This is especially pertinent for those wearing hearing enhancement devices.
-To send a bolt of lightening through the order desk clerk...unplug your hearing enhancement device, (where applicable)...stand back and press 4.
-If you wish to press 4, press 2.
-To print out these instructions press 9 or visit our website. gov.boondoggle@ cdn.ca
***************************************************************************

Hence, we downloaded the whole freakin' album from cyber pirates and Big Bertha is now hustling about, churning out copies on our CD Burner in order to make them readily available to youses...If you're interested in a great deal, please use the all-purpose Miz Mae button which can be found somewhere on this page.
Daffynition *Bozone*
A substance surrounding imbeciles which prevents bright ideas from penetrating.
The Latest Gizmo
By golly...youse ain’t gonna believe this one....and it ain't a joke.
Summer vacations have phased out and the week-end golf tournaments are in full "swing" ha, ha…
The Maerium Webword
We have chosen...syzygy...syz·y·gy pronunciation (siz'i-jy) n
The word syzygy appeared in the seventeenth century. To-day it has a couple of rare meanings in mathematics and poetry but in it's beginning it could only apply to conjunctions....as in planets, sky, moon, sun etc...but we're gonna steer clear of this subject...remember what happened last time we fooled around with conjunction conjunctures, eh?...and geez, what happened to the Geezer Mag in which this topic was featured?....Eerie!

In a nut shell, syzygy is the shortest word in the English language containing three ys. The only practical use for this word today would be for racking up mega points in a game of Scrabble.
(Of course, you will be asked a skill testing question to qualify.)
So Noogie, you can just leave a message here.

Factoid: One burns more calories sleeping than watching television.
If at this stage in life, you are not already an accomplished napper, at least exercise when using the zapper.
Here we go again....all roads lead to...
The Kitchen: Straight outta The Super-Mom's recipe box.

The Recipe:

To-day, it's all about carbs!

- 1 can of tuna
- 1 raw egg (without shell)
- 1 small can of V8 (without can)
- ½ cup water (without cup)

- Toss *everything into a blender or daiquiri-whacker
(*except egg shell, V8 can & measuring cup)
- Blend 20 seconds on High
- Drink, Fear Factor style...Ack!
Serves 2
That's it!
Nourishing, and nobody will ask for seconds.
You may now return to your golf game, guilt free!

For your convenience this recipe is available on a handy 4"x6" hand printed index card.

Do you have a question that doesn't seem to have a reasonable answer?
Well go ahead and,
Ask Auntie Edna....

Dear Auntie Edna,
My grandbaby just gave birth to her first child.
They named the baby...Amoana...!
Whatever happened to solid old names that clearly defined the not too obvious gender of the newborn...profound, established names like Howell, Cecil, Ubald, Buhla, Augusteen or Eenis...names that have character and substance...ya know Auntie E, grandbabies squeak when you pinch 'em and smile when you powder 'em....and the best of them don't flinch when you shoot at squirrels from the porch....so... anyways...what I was wonderin'...is... I heard somewheres...when it starts snowin'...CDNs chain up their pickup trucks! Is it so?
Merlette

Dear Merlette,
Indeed, a name sometimes gives remarkable indications as to a person's character!
Merlette, I would strongly advise you to quit drinking hooch straight out of the still! The lead in those truck radiators goes straight to your brain and messes up your reasoning. Remember Hiram Shwackhammer who used to live just a hoot and a holler over the hill? Well, when they did the autopsy on him his brain weighed 87 pounds...just chock full of lead.
Quit now while you can still tie your snow shoes.
Always, Auntie Edna.

Extra-Extra on The Extraterrestrials
Exlusive photo hi-jacked from NASA
On January 4^th, 2004, a few hours after Martian dawn, a 400 million dollar NASA craft, landed safely in the Gusev Crater on the red planet.
( $400,000,000.⁰⁰!!!! What "we" could do with that kinda' cash, eh?)

After the sun's rays juiced up the craft’s solar panels, mission controllers on Earth sent a transmission of the Beatles' tune "Good Morning, Good Morning". Not long after "awakening", the robot ship, crammed with high-tech cameras and expensive geo-logical equipment began beaming back stunning images from its strange new environment.

Horoscope

Rocket Science
and "The Chicken Crossing the Road Theory"
In anatomical terms, the preacetabular process of the dorsoventrally compresses the ilium and due to the applied randomness of the surface of the horizontal plane, it affects the tendancies of the neuro sensors inside the metatarsals of the avian. Primary codes enter his cerebrum through the foramen magnum (found above the contact of the postorbitals and squamosals) and register thought patterns relating to previous experiences between the palmar and caudal regions, influencing his instinctual desires, thus the chicken is strongly compelled to cross the road.

Why make things more complicated than they are?
The chicken said, "It's no brain buster, man...there was a party goin' on over there!"

Yes, we know it isn't easy to wade through the abundant uninformation contained in the Geezer Mags so in return for your perseverance we would like to present you with this groovy puzzle.
Click on the froggy! It might take a minute to load...and if that doesn't work try the link below.

The Hippie File

There have always been hippies from the first time society laid down rules. Being a hippie is not a matter of dress, behavior, economic status, or social milieu. It's a philosophical approach to life that emphasizes freedom, peace, love and respect for others and our planet. The way of the hippie has been silently repressed by the socialization process but fear not for there will always remain a little hippy in every one of us.
So people...don't ever get off that bus!

A SENSE OF HUMOUR IS JUST COMMON SENSE...DANCING
Clive James


In no way is this blurb meant to antagonize, hurt or disconcert it's readers or passers by. Every word was chosen in the hope to amuse.
Yours truly, JJ, Miz Mae, Auntie Edna, Bertha, Gracie, Mordecai, Percy and Gofor.