III

Horoscope:

December 22nd through January 19th

Capricorn, 

 

Capricornians are logical types who despise disorder and spend their whole lives looking for someone to pick up their stray socks.  If you are a Capricorn you have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed…well quit looking back....look up and avoid standing still for long periods of time as you tend to attract pigeons.

Predictions by Mordecai@mystical_money

 

Mordecai has released another new book, entitled…"Significance of the Pickle".  Now available!

(Special rates for seniors and institutions.)

The Maerium Webword  for this month......

Zaftig __adj.

Derivation :Yiddish or Old German "saft"; trans:  ("fully rounded" or "slightly fat") 

In other words "blimpish, potbellied, pudgy or roly-poly".

We thought this word could be of some use when subscribing to second age, on-line dating services. Instead of writing "fat and bald" on your résumé, you can honestly write "zaftig  and glabrescent". Nobody will ask you what that means because, basically, people do not like to admit their own ignorance. Now doesn't that sound kinda' hip?

.........if you don't want to fall into the ignorant trap...get your dictionary out, now!

.........or copy and paste this link onto your desktop http://dictionary.reference.com/  

The Latest Geezer Gizmo 

The latest in 2nd Age Gadgets. 

Do you suffer from SED? 

Yes, Auntie Edna is still here! 

Do you have a question that doesn't seem to have a reasonable answer? 

Well go ahead and,

Ask Auntie Edna....

Dear Auntie Edna, I've been reading the fine print on some of these drug ads in magazines. I noticed that in a lot of cases this "placebo" stuff works just as well as what the drug companies are selling. Where can I get some? Is it expensive? --Medicated in Medicine Hat

Dear Medicated: Yes, it's quite true that the placebo effect, as it's called, is every bit as good as the medications being tested......and in many cases better. The pharmaceutical industry has spent billions of dollars keeping this news from the general public for fear of losing their "ill"-gotten profits. Really clever people, like yourself, should stock up on Placebo, which is neither available by prescription nor over the counter due to industry suppression. Fortunately I was able to pick the lock on the controlled substances cabinet on Parlezment Hill and I now have a personal supply of top-quality Placebo that I am willing to share with you for a certain consideration-- let's say, 200 USDs per  month's supply. I'll send details to you under separate cover. No personal checks, please.  Believe me, you are on the road to recovery, Always, Auntie Edna.

Factoid (out of the blue)

HIPPIE/HIPPY

A long-haired 60's flower child was called a "hippie". "Hippy" is an adjective describing someone with wide hips, like zaftig Geezers.  The "ie" is not caused by a "y"changing to "ie" in the plural as in "puppy" and "puppies". It is, rather, a dismissive diminutive, invented by older, more sophisticated hipsters looking down on the new hip hops. Confusing these two is definitely unhip whether you are a hippie, hiphop or hippyish.

Gracie 

A Geezer Testimonial ( Taken from the WWW and somewhat sliced and diced) 

I was filled with great personal sorrow the day that I saw my first 75 pound set of nose, ear, and lip rings on a young lady with orange, black and purple hair. I quickly realized that I no longer had the blood of a Rock & Roll Rebel running through my veins. I had become the homogenized, conservative, geezer who has passed his prime and resents those still in it. At the same time I also became aware of my obligations as the NEW "mean old cuss on the block" so I bought the very most powerful set of wheels on the planet...not because I needed them, but because it was my duty to blow off every young hip hop who wears his cap backwards and sneakers that cost more than my monthly pension. If he happened to be driving a Honda with a 7,000 watt stereo boomer-box blasting the asphalt under his wheels...all the better! 

The ULTIMATE GEEZER-HIGH is being able to totally humiliate the lad and if  his girlfriend happens to be in the front seat with him, that’s a bonus! To him, I am just the fat, balding guy in the next lane anxiously waiting for the light to turn green.

On the Parkway the other night, a prime target pulled up next to me. He was wearing the backwards cap....the saggy pants, the expensive sneakers....and the music was so loud it was a miracle that his eardrums weren’t bleeding. While small droplets of sweat ran down my face, the "lad" sits there gunning his engine, ready to blow the doors off the old man next to him...namely me.

The light turned green. My 7,000 horsepower Geezermobile sensed it's duty, sucked in large quantities of soon-to-be supercharged air and prepared to launch. And ya know what.......??? Something strange happened to me. I could easily have buried the Honda and its driver and made him feel foolish in front of his girlfriend but instead I just pinched the pedal enough to make the scene believable.....and then smiled as they pulled away. The Honda burned some serious rubber and left me in the dust as I thought to myself, “You only get to be young once. Shouldn't we let them enjoy being rebels until their first mortgage payment arrives”?

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Percy's Pool Report       Straight from the Wacki Kiki Hotel in Hawaii.

Howdy,  Pal Percy here on the wireless with "your" pool report.  Water temp here in Hona Hula remains a constant 82o. My CDN contact tells me that the pool guy winterized all pools north of the 49th parallel. Therefore, I would like to issue a warning...just in case you're not wearing your glasses: No diving!....reason being...there's only three feet of water left in the pool. However, feel free to wade if you are so inclined.  Water Temp:  39o  Fahrenheit. You might want to plug in that heat lamp. ( Not too close to the pool, eh?)

 

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The Last Minute....SCOOP

This is rich....  

The Australian government has invested a lot of time and energy (and a lot more money than necessary) building...(drum roll please)… 

A National Public Toilet Map website! 

This isn’t just any old static web site. Oh no! It’s a personalizable toilet map site with sophisticated functionality for avid half moon worshipers. 

Register on the site and you can plan your elimination schedule prior to any road trip.

A prime example of needless personalization at its finest and hopefully the CDN tax spenders will stay down wind of this new, innovative way to waste countless dollars.

Just a thought….I wonder if you can rate them and do you bring your own catalogue?  

Extra-Extra  on The Extraterrestrials

Many people feel that Aliens are slowly, and silently taking over Planet Earth

  

This must be about half way through the Geezer Mag.  Yep...the staples are here.  

 

 

 

AW..! GHEEZ.!... He wore black socks to his photo session and completely distracted the photographer with his thonged toes. ....."Darnit!" Terribly sorry everyone!

Most dog-trainers will tell you, "Don't feed your dog at the table!" You have probably also heard that same statement from your Mom long before you started wearing long pants. We say, if you can't think of more than three reasons why not to have your precious Poochie as a dining companion, then, we're going to tell you how to do it — with both sass and class. After all, no one wants to dine with your dog unless he/she has excellent table manners, right?

To start off, make it clear to Poochie that she is only allowed to eat at the table when you give the command "up".

She must learn to "stay" once she is "up" on her chair, otherwise, she may just decide to proceed "further up" to the tabletop and lie down next to the turkey.

A large cloth napkin should be worn about Poochie’s neck  Well…yet another reason to buy extra Bibkins, eh?

She should be taught to keep her hindquarter seated; Here we use the command..."sit".

When the main course has terminated, Poochie should be guided "down" from her chair before dessert, reason being, it is very impolite to beg at the table.

Practice these basic, simple commands until Poochie understands the "ups" and "downs". 

Congratulations on a job well done. You now have a well mannered dining companion, for a change. 

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HOWIE'S HELPFUL HIRING HINTS.....3rd Edition, and still going strong. 

Second age career advancement strategies.

HHHH #3

ENTERTAINMENT-Now that you have invited your "likely to be, future boss" to partake of a hearty home cooked meal, it is important to have some kind of entertainment. Dust off those old Liberace record albums and crank up your 1967 Philips stereo system. Don't set the volume too loud as that repetitive scratching sound will eventually become annoying, also, we don't want people tapping and banging their forks to the beat. Tapping and banging would surely stifle all possibilities of meaningful conversation. 

 

PROCEEDURE-The table is set, you have gone to great pains to make a good impression. Open the Merlot  at least one half hour before the meal. ( Merlot goes good with everything.) This allows the full bouquet and umami to "breathe". Do not pour into the multi-coloured, plastic, patio set tumblers until everyone is seated, however, you may taste-test every now and then to make sure the wine is still breathing. (On second thought, it might be a good idea to open two bottles of Merlot.)    

 

CONVERSATION PIECE-This is very important. Now is the time to show your prospective boss that you are not only knowledgeable in social skills, you are also a good instructor.

 

 

Poochie wearing dinner bells.

Pull out Poochie's chair and instruct her to "SIT" at the table.  You now have, right before you, a great conversation piece...guaranteed. Oh....and Poochie will need a deeper dish than youse. This will help to prevent spills. If she gobbles...remember the command..."SLOW"

The Kitchen Corner

The Kitchen Quip: In the kitchen, is EGGsactly where your "Queen" wants to be. 

(She, the Queen, admitted that she enjoys ironing too.)

So..... Poochie will be starring in, "Guess Who's Joining Us For Dinner?" You need..................yep....

A "SHARE THE DOG FOOD" RECIPE!!!!!

Go ahead, ahead, get your kitchen queen to shake up her culinary skills.

Tell her to give up trying to perfect the tuna casserole.

Nobody ever liked it anyway...not even Poochie. 

Follow the directions below:

 

1 onion and a pinch of garlic   powder  2 pounds of lean ground beef  3 celery stalks  1 ¼ cups cooked brown rice  ¼ cup water chestnuts  1 ½ cups Chinese noodles.

 

Throw everything but the Chinese noodles into your Crockpot...( not at the crackpot...) Hahahahah! Ahem! Simmer, covered, for 3 hours...on low. "Can" be prepared a day in advance and warmed up in the microwave.  For a little added crunch, serve topped with a handful of Chinese noodles. 

(Chopsticks, optional....especially for Poochie.) Remember, Poochie will need a deeper dish than youse.

 

 

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...so you got a puppy for Christmas

 

 

JJ, Miz Mae, Auntie Edna, Gracie, Mordecai, Percy and Gofor.