The A.S.S.I.S.T Committee is proud to present...

II
Geezer II Qualifying Quiz
 
Well, it has come to this. Yep, Geezers like to win, no matter what! Being competitive is a good quality but it’s how you play the game that counts. Some people obviously didn’t even read the last Geezer Mag Quiz and dared to submit a score of 10/10. ( Regal Purple Person ) One other candidate claimed to have earned extra credits due to having Dr. Scholls signature merchandize in HER O'Sneaky closet....And get this...one guy actually admitted to driving a long black ’55 vintage Caddy!!! Can you believe it?...S n i c k e r...Therefore peoples, the only prize that will be given out for last month's quiz will indeed be a rubber chicken. 
 
Of course.....the Wiz has come up with a solution to weed out the tricksters amongst youse, 
that being, TAH DAH an "On-line Feedback Form". 
Isn’t it amazing how there is a cyber solution to all Geezer hanky-panky? Just try to con this one guys.
 
Please enter your alias, moniker, nick-name, whatever:
                     

It's a multiple choice...Aw, com'on....for crying out loud...GUESS!

1 Does tuna casserole have a good reputation?
2 What is the moon made of?
3 What not to use as a centerpiece for a formal dinner?
4 Who wears black socks?
5 Umami is which of the following?
6 What is the result of bad mojo?
7 Who is Mordecai?
8 Where does Percy live?
9 The Hurry Cane is available in how many colours?
10 Historically speaking, who jumped over the moon?
Please be advised that any lame answers will be posted for public viewing and copies will be kept in a vault for future reference and ridicule...
...( just kidding, not ) 

 

The Geezer Mag Quiz 2004.........has a winner! Congratulations Omicron Bunny! (...but, but...who is this mysterious eared one?)

Omicron Bunny says:

Correct Answer

Score
 1 Does tuna casserole have a good reputation? No Yes

X
 2 What is the moon made of? It's A Pumpkin! Paper Maché

X
 3 What not to use as a centerpiece for a formal dinner? All The Above Correct

1
 4 Who wears black socks? Teddy Correct

1
 5 Umami is which of the following? Miz Mae's Mama A taste

X
 6 What is the result of bad mojo? A Fried CPU A black aura

X
 7 Who is Mordecai? The Caddy Chauffeur A monetary mystic

X
 8 Where does Percy live? Sissiboo Falls Hona-Hula

X
 9 The Hurry Cane is available in how many colours? 144 3

X
10 Historically speaking, who jumped over the moon? The Cow Correct

1

Total Points

  3

Submitted
Date: 10 March 2011 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time: 10:59

Dear Omicron (little) Bunny
You did very well on the Geezer 2004 Nag Mag Quiz. (Total 3 points)
Obviously you have a semi-well developed attention span...better than most Sandboxers, I must say. Congratulations, your 33% success rate makes you the winner. 

Um, about the prize, (which was a bag of leftover Hallowe'en Oh-Henery bars....well, we're sorry to say that they were distributed evenly between the unforthcoming contestants and consumed 24 hours before the expiry date...August 1st, 2005. I can only presume that the tardiness of your participation was due to your intense research on The Encyclopedia Of Answers.com, thus explaining the time warp. Being a bunny, you should have reached the finish line a tad quicker. O'Bunny please do not feel forlorn and crestfallen, it's not winning that counts, it's how you played the game and you have been given a full 10/10 for that.

...and, just out of curiosity, do you like playing BINGO? 

The Maerium Webword  for this month......
Geezeroid (pronounced ĝee-zur-oyed).
 Greek suffix; -oid, -oidal, -oidism, -ode, trans: (like, resembling, similar to.)
In other words "resembling or similar" to a Geezer, which covers a pretty vast selection of Humanoids, Anthropoids and maybe even Extraterrestriods...see examples of the "oids" below.
 
Anthropoid monkey like Factoid  a teacher
Alkaloid one who drinks too much Trapezoid  a wandering tramp
Asteroid a mule Rhomboid a hot Toddy.( I knew this one )
Gonzo-oid a hyperactive being   Bizarroid a  weirdo
Ask Auntie Edna....
 
Yes, Auntie Edna is still here! 
Do you have a question that doesn't seem to have a reasonable answer? 
Well go ahead and,
 
Dear Auntie Edna,
I have been standing in line for two months waiting to ask you a question so here it is...My life partner snores raucously every night, all night long. I have tried everything to no avail.  
Between his snoring and his Mexican lunch induced nocturnal emissions, the only way I can sleep is on the lumpy old chesterfield.  
Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you in advance,
 Awake & Desperate.
 
Dear Awake:
You need....a gas mask and a new couch?...Hahahaha! Oops! Ahem!...
No, seriously, I sympathize and personally, I believe that snoring completely upsets the entire theory of evolution. It stands to reason that if early humans snored the way modern humans do now, they would all have been eaten by night-roaming dinosaurs and today we would be descended from Armadillos. Never the less, here are a couple of Auntie Edna’s Sure Cures for Snoring.

#1-The Ping Pong Ball Cure. Since snorers sleep on their backs with their mouths open, it's fairly easy to pop in a ping pong ball. The ball will activate the natural gag reflex and awaken the snoree.

#2- The Krazy Glue Cure. If the mouth doesn't open, the snores don't get out, eh?

#3-the Chin Strap. (The more costly method.) 
This'll keep his mouth shut. Fully adjustable chinstrap, available in four popular colours. dorasdiscounts.calm or call 1-800-GOT-CASH 
 
#4- Laser Ablation. In this method a laser beam is used to blast away that pesky, little dangly, thingy at the back of the throat. Snoring is cured for good.
Any well-equipped university physics lab has a couple of medium-powered lasers lying around. Most of these are portable and will fit conveniently under a coat. Get one! The next time the snoring starts, set the laser at full blast, aim carefully and your problems are over……once the smoke clears.
If you miss, however, your problems are just beginning.
Good luck!
Always, Auntie Edna.
 
 
 
The Latest Gizmo 
Is your fridge door bare and uninteresting? 
Get a set of OVER THE HILL WORD MAGNETS...
Yes, magnets to wile away your golden years!
Be creative!
Complain, reminisce and worry, all on your fridge door!
Every Geezer needs some of these! Each Over the Hill Set contains 391 refrigerator magnets, 10 of which are blank for personalization purposes. (Black marker not included.) Heavy, bold, black  print on white background to accommodate even the most reduced vision.

Correct spelling guaranteed

SAMPLE WORDS from the "Over The Hill Word Magnets Set":
Slipping, Dentures, Arthritis, Old, Golf, Flashes, Diet, Barely, Black Socks, Grand-Kids, Savings, Wrinkles, Eyesight, Snore, Alive, Cholesterol, Oatmeal, Crooners, Sweats, Relax, Bald, Bowling, Hearing Aid, Bingo, Heart, Garden, Sluggish, Hernia, Hawaii, 50's, 60's, 70's, Youth, Remote, Pills, Lotto, Senior, Bifocals, All-Bran, E-mail, Shorts, Inferior Popcorn, Memory, Swimsuit

 
 
Factoid (out of the blue)
'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch' is the actual name of a village in northern Wales.
Translation: "St. Mary's Church in the hollow of white hazel near a rapid whirlpool and the Church of St. Tysilio near the red cave."

Write that on a postcard!

Astronomy n' Physics

OK, so you ask yourself what's the speed of dark? Actually it’s the same as the speed of light…because complete darkness doesn’t exist. What we humans call darkness is actually different degrees of light…or the lack of…(dangling preposition…sorry Noogie.) This brings us to the question of, ( Oops, anothe cliff hanger) “Does anything besides light travel at the speed of light?”
"Yes!" But…. It depends on how fast the light is going. Hahaha!  Ahem…Seriously, a good example is e-mail.  E-mail goes through electrical circuits, therefore traveling at the speed of light. 
(This is only one of the reasons for its popularity over the historically traditional CDN Postal "Service".)
Of course faster-than-light travel is possible.
However, the probability that your luggage will end up at the wrong destination increases with the cube of the velocity. Hehehehehe. 
One troubling thought is:
EQUATION:
Distance you’ll travel (d) depends on how fast you move (v), for how long you’re moving (t).
If you drive 75 mph for one hour, you’ll have covered 75 miles – simple, eh?
If you travel at a speed of a zillion miles per minute……let’s hope there isn’t a giant Mediacom billboard between you and your destination! Splat!
OBSERVATION: 
If we could travel at the speed of light:
We could sleep 'til noon and still make it to the clinic for our blood tests before 8:00 a.m.
We could visit the CDN portion of the San Andreas Fault in Vancouver from Halifax (approximately 2750.0 miles (4425.6 km), in 2 nanoseconds...unless, of course, you get lost at the airport.
....and if you decide to drive across CDN….that moose in your headlights…
....it’s actually already behind you................................................... Whew!  

 

 

Percy's Pool Report       Straight from the Wacki Kiki Hotel in Hawaii.

Hi there folks, 
Percy here again with the weather report. To be quite honest the temperature in Hona Hula isn't very interesting. The pool water is at a constantly-constant  
......82o 'B' for BORING! Therefore, this week, just to add a little variety and heat things up, we will concentrate on the planet Venus.
Venus Forecast: The temperature for the coming week will be cooler than normal, often plunging below the 400C line. 
Acid rain will decrease, and the average pH will rise to nearly 3. 
All air heads....watch out for high oxygen concentrations over the next couple of days. So get the lead out.

 

 

Noogie's Last Minute....SCOOP........
Last month it was pricey real-estate, this month it’s: “Putting that bald spot to good use.”
 

...How many times have you sat at the supper table with your team member and gone over the day’s chores only to find that one or two have been left undone due to recurring memory mismanagement? 

...How many times has he forgotten the grocery list and called you on his Walk & Talk device while standing at the checkout in the local supermarket quizzing you on just what was on the list besides the six pack?

...How many times has he forgotten to get an edge trim at the barber shop when he knew very well that Peggy and Perry, the pompous Pompano Beach pilgrims, would be over for dinner that very same evening, thus forcing you to do the trimming yourself with Poochie’s clippers; in-between basting the roast beef and stirring the gravy?  

...How many times has he forgotten to mow the lawn when he knew very well that the Pooper Scooper had become useless in the tall grass?......and  who inevitably steps on one of Poochie’s little camouflaged packages and tracks it into the house? Eh?

 

Extra-Extra  on The Extraterrestrials

Like...they said it all, man!

 
 
 
The Kitchen Quip    ICH LIEBE RICHT -- I'm really crazy about having dough.
The Kitchen Corner
We received a recipe, out of the blue, from an anonymous benefactor. What inspired him, we'll never know but Gofor insisted it was probably last month's tuna casserole. The anonymous recipe was mouth watering temptation with a capital "T". But gadzooks and holy smokes...it called for 1½ lbs. of fresh sea scallops. ( For metric conversation, see below ) As you know, the A.S.S.I.S.T Committee is a nonprofit organization and it has very limited financial resources....so, who can afford fresh sea scallops? We can't....and while we are on the sea thing...are there any other more affordable scallops? I was thinking maybe Pond scallops, Puddle scallops or Brook scallops? It doesn't really seem fair that such a succulent delicacy should be exclusive to people living by the sea. Eh? 
 
Now the pound and a half ( 24 ounces ) of fresh sea scallops opened up a whole new can of "tuna". ( I didn't want to say that "wiggling specimen" word because of all the food lying about at the moment.) Anyhoo, shall we get back to one of the points of this whole discussion? Okay. Here we go.
 
There exists such a wealth of knowledge on the WWW and we are devoted to "feeding" you the right information for each circumstance. Seeing that some of us are metric convertées and others are stuck with the pound sign, we sent JJ out to convert the pound and a half (24 oz.) of sea scallops to fit into those metric measuring cups belonging to the more metrically advanced amongst us. Well, JJ wasn't gone a half an hour and he called us back on his long range Walk & Talk device asking if we wanted the conversion made from "avoirdupois" ounces or "troy" ounces. Sigh. Therefore ( because of attention span limitations) we felt that an abrupt end to this topic was necessary. We will hopefully get back to this delicious topic in an upcoming issue of The Geezer Nag Mag.

 

 
Horoscope:
September 23rd through October 22nd
LIBRA, due to Mordecai being in the space-time continuum, you will be an AQUARIUS this month...as a result, your ch'i will be completely out of whack. 
(To understand the deep implications of this, look up, or GOOGLE, the definition of recursion)

NB* If you do not own a dictionary or don't have a link to one on your desktop...shame on you! 

Look it up here: 

http://dictionary.reference.com/
 
 
 
 
Howie's Helpful Hiring Hints   4Hs!   ( A new TIP for the X-Ret....every issue!)
 
RE: Second age career advancement strategies. (Special request from Noogie)
 
Thanks to Howie's HHH (Helpful Hiring Hint) in the previous issue of Geezer Mag, we are proud to announce that Noogie's guy, Ret, is now an X-Ret.
After much discussion during our last editorial staff meeting, The A.S.S.I.S.T. Committee decided to continue this column. We know for a fact that many of you retirées out there have become quite weary checking to see if  the garbage should be emptied and skimming leaves out of the pool. You need paying $timulation! So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and get jobbin'.
 
Without any further ado, here's Howie's October Hint.
 
HHHH #2
BE PREPARED-When going for a job interview, make sure your sweats are clean and pressed, especilly the pants. A fresh, crisp crease shows your attention to detail. Politely ask wifey to polish your cowboy boots while you eat the good, hearty breakfast she prepared for you. You may wear black socks in your boots, unless you are applying for a position as lifegaurd ( Don't even think about a Speedo... Okay? )  Nobody will see your black socks under the cowboy boots....unless you have to take them off at some point during a test run, right? 
By the way, a real cowbody doesn't wear socks in his boots. Yep, you guessed it...he goes buck foot nekid.
THE INTERVIEW-The next thing to remember is to politely answer every pointless question asked by your future employer and please compliment him on that nasty looking fish hanging on the wall above his desk. Follow these easy tips and you too will soon be among the X-Rets. 
Good Fishing,
Howie.

 

Seeing that Hallowe'enie is just around the corner here is the theme cartoon.

>>>>>> What with gas prices to-day...
...looks like we'll be doing those deliveries on our bikes.
 
 
......and that's it for the October 2004 issue of 
The Geezer Nag Mag II 
 

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