geezermag01



The A.S.S.I.S.T Committee is proud to present The Geezer Nag Mag I

As always the A.S.S.I.S.T Committee (Assisting Seniors Searching for Interesting but Silly Trivia) has devoted much energy plus all their resources in order to bring you up to date and keep you informed on what's what and who’s who. Our goal is to provide you with information on a varied number of subjects such as astronomy, politics, weather, pool temperature, second age career advancement strategies, recipes conducive to false teeth, absolutely no sports, the latest in extraterrestrial sightings and much, much more. I think we already said that somewhere but it's true. If you are unable to retain any of the exclusive information contained on the pages of this exegetic periodical, you can at least stand up when watching Jeopardy with your friends or loved ones and shout, “I knew that…once”. There, you see, we have already learned something. Shall we get on with it?

First of all, do you qualify as a genuine Old Geezer? Should you be reading this magazine or did you acquire it through false pretenses? If you wish to read any further you MUST be able to answer YES to at least three of the following questions . If you do not qualify, yep, your subscription shall be cancelled....immediately.: The Old Geezer Test

Geezers understand the significance of World War I, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Normandy, and Hitler.
Geezers remember the Atomic Age, the Jet Age, the (supposed) Moon Landing, and the Age of Aquarius.
Geezers love, understand and cherish the young.
Geezers trust strangers and are polite to each other.
Geezers hold the door for the next person.
Geezers, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Geezers are offended by cursing in front of children and they don't like filth on TV or in movies.
Geezers have moral courage.
Geezers know that our nation's strength is in its unity, not in its diversity.
Geezers seldom brag, unless it's about their grandkiddies.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
Amen!

Editors note: If you own anything signed "Dr. Scholls", you automatically qualify. Congratulations!

Wanna step on it or step it up? The latest in 2nd Age Gadgets.

The Latest Gizmo

Hurry Cane®



In 1832 Willy Gofarr decided that he had had it with being forced to slow down behind people using assisted walking devices. After much research he developed the "Hurry Cane®".
Just pull the trigger under the handle to release the pivoting bearing caster and away we go! Yes, it has a break.....shoe!

Evolution.....In the year 1987 an ammo chamber was added, above the trigger.
Cause..........You have all met up with one of those pesky shoppers who bump their buggies into your bottom at the checkout lineups.
Remedy.......Release the safety, discreetly aim in the general direction of the offender's big toe and pull the trigger.
Result.........A bee's butt dart will be released through the compressed air chamber. The dart is guaranteed to penetrate any footwear and the incorporated homing device detects the meat.



Hurry Cane® Belt


The "Hurry Cane®" is powered by a series of dry cells worn in a *belt around the waist, and has several settings, from Amble, Saunter, Mosey and Lope through Stride, Double-time and Fandango.
This soft, supple pigskin belt has a handy key chain and comes with shoulder straps for weightless waistline comfort. (Straps, FREE of charge, batteries not included)
*The belt is available in three colours:

Black, to match your socks.
Natural, for the naturalists, naturally.
Green, y'all know who that's for. (Ribbit)

We thought that adding a new word to our collective personal dictionary would be enriching, vocabularily speaking.
So, we will call this category....
Umami (pronounced oo-MaM-ee). I could have a time with this one but it'll have to wait cause we gotta get this issue out on the street, presto.

We've always been told that there are four basic tastes: salty, sweet, bitter and sour. However, there is a fifth taste, umami. Sounds exotic and mysterious, eh? The Chinese have been talking (non-stop) about it for 1,200 years but the name comes from the Japanese words umai for “delicious” and mi for “essence”. Umami is basically glutamic acid commercially known as monosodium glutamate (MSG)

Put some MSG on your tongue.
At first it doesn't taste so good. After 10 seconds, it's a big taste, more like a feel. ( Okay, guys...relax. )

While many foods have natural amounts of umami, their umami levels can increase when they undergo various transformations. The most elemental of these is the ripening of fruits and vegetables. For example, a ripe tomato has 10 times the glutamate of an unripe tomato. Drying, curing, aging and fermentation all increase the umami level. These methods break down foods into smaller units of flavor, which are easier to detect. The smaller units make taste receptors ring a bell in our brain and say "this is good” and please note that any brain activity is a good sign...bells or not.

Fermentation gives soy sauce, fish sauces and many other condiments such as Worcestershire sauce and Bovril lots of umami. This also applies to fermented beverages such as beer and rich red wines, especially those with high ripeness levels. ( Personally, for decades I had this deep down conviction that such wonderful beverages had more than one purpose...I never gave up on them, so rejoice guys and hello Merlot!)

Fact: Chocolate doesn't have umami! Why not? It doesn’t need it! ( You knew that, eh? )

Are you tired of your happy homemaker's tuna casserole? Is it blah, tasteless and boring?

The Kitchen Corner

Recipe:




NO FUSS
Tuna Casserole!

Make your habitual tuna casserole recipe. Add some umami and voilà. No sense changing things too much, he/she ain't gonna like it anyway....umami or not. It's a matter of principle. Let's face it, tuna casserole has a bad reputation and like my Mama always told me..."Your reputation will follow you wherever you go". Thus...tuna casserole is doomed.
Oh, if you don't know what umami is....
GO BACK UP THERE AND READ TO-DAY'S "Maerium Webword"
Yes, I'm yelling and no wonder! Shame on you! Skipping articles will get you know where. From time to time you will be tested on your capacity to absorb all this information. You do want to pass, eh?

Due to popular demand, Auntie Edna is back! Do you have a question that doesn't seem to have a reasonable answer? Well go ahead and,

Ask Auntie Edna....

Dear Auntie Edna,
I made some very lucrative investments over the years and upon retiring, I bought myself one of the fastest most expensive computers on the market. (You thought I was gonna say red sports car….eh?
My problem is down time. The new PC is constantly crashing and the geeks in the help forums keep telling me that I have a faulty CPU. Now I ask you, is this possible? I am desperate for help and believe me, no remedy would be too expensive. I really wanna get back to the Second Age Chat Forum and that hot chick Mamie.
Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you in advance, CU.

Dear CU:
Thank you for writing. Actually, your question is a little out of my line, so I consulted Mordecai at mystical-money.com. He shook up the appropriate spirits, and confirms that it's quite true. Apparently your CPU (Cardio Pacing Unit) was assembled by someone with bad mojo, and... unless you have it cleared it's likely to bring you eternal bad luck. He suggests that you send him the contents of your bank account. It shall be cleansed in a formal ritual and held in "THE VAULT" to prevent any future demonic infestations. In return, to protect you, he will personally send you the Magic Frog Flipper of Good Luck...(green)..on a handy portable key chain.
Small bills only, ( green) please. Happy to be of service,
Always, Auntie Edna.

I know you can hardly wait for this one.
As announced in the Geezer Mag Monthly warm up, "warning" flyer: The Moon isn't Real
Astronomy

The moon is a fake and the stars aren't real either. It's a conspiracy by NASA and The World Council of Astronomers to keep the research money rolling in.
( Just like those faked moon landings.)

Ever wonder why you never see the other side of the moon? It's because there ain’t none. If you could actually get around to the other side of the moon all you'd see would be huge wooden beams, canvas, papier mâché and a big tag that said "Act IV, Scene 2-- "The Homo Sapiens Interlude".

The moon's perigee distance is said to be 363,258 km. If that were so, this historic event would never have taken place.

Whatta cow!

And what about the sun? Ninety-three million miles away and you can still get a sunburn from it?
Sure....and my grand-daddy's tintype! It's probably not more than 50 miles away and owned by some international mega corporation. If their stock slips they'll declare "Chapter IX", and then it'll be...
Hello Darkness...!!

Extra-Extra on The Extraterrestrials

Like, what more can I say?

A picture is worth a thousand words! >>>>

North Amurican Survey

We asked the following question:
What would you describe as the ultimate Geezer Mobile?
From 5,000 Honda kids...(baseball cap backwards)...................
Unanimous answer....
.........................................see picture on the right >>>>>>>>
Yah, sure.........we wish, eh?
That or a "Silver Bullet" ( Porsche)

1961 Black Fleetwood

Percy's Pool Report Straight from the Wacki Kiki Hotel in Hawaii.

Hi there folks! My name is Percy and I'm here riding the short waves to bring you the average water temp for the/your pool north of the 49th-45th parallels....mostly CDNs.
Okay here it is, TA DAH, 68 degrees Freakin' cold!
Now, I own this little motel here in Hona Hula.
We have cheap rates, for CDN's. A couple of NO VACANCIES now available.
So get crackin'...get packin' and come on down....and I mean cheap!

**** Late breaking news flash, we have just received a telegram announcing that Noogie has also acquired a choice chunk of real estate in Hawaii.
Dang them CDNs!
Don't it make ya proud?

The Telegram is as follows:

-purchased a condo near Oahu, Hawaii STOP

-available for weekends or weekly basis STOP

-good prices for friends and family STOP

-one-bedroom high rise STOP

-unit that overlooks the ocean STOP

-nestled among lush greens STOP

-every window has ocean view STOP

If you are interested please call 1-800 FLY HIGH.
If you are not a friend or family, forget it, you can't afford it!
Acrophobiacs please abstain.

Helpful Hiring Hints ( A new TIP for the X-Ret....every issue!)
RE: Second age career advancement strategies. (Special request from Noogie)
ENTERTAINING "The Prospect" IN YOUR HOME.

Hint #1.
We all have a brother-in-law, cousin, neighbour or friend that can provide us with interesting job prospects. Now is the time to cash in on them. Once you have made your choice, be friendly and invite "the prospect" and his wife to share a nice dinner in your home. The reason being, after an excellent meal, a sensational dessert, a cup of gourmet coffee and a fine cigar over a glass of deep, rich Porto the prospect will begin to develop a sense of obligation. This is good.

Have the little wife cook at least three courses, ( definitely not tuna casserole ) and store-bought desserts are a "no, no". She will love doing this for you and will have a feeling of contributing to the family's financial well being.

Make sure to dress for the occasion (no sweats) and a nice crisp, freshly pressed tablecloth would be nice. Tell her at least 8 hours before the event, she won't mind as long as she has plenty of time to prepare.
Oh, and a centerpiece for the table would be nice but it should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Turn up your hearing aid so as not to miss these words, "You're hired"!
Good Luck!

Alright,
My favorite colour is GREEN.
I wear BLACK socks and I love to go au NATURAL.
Does that mean I have to buy all three HURRY-CANE BELTS?
Gimme a break! I'm not rich, but I did get a 10 in the survey!
GADGE
I scored PERFECT!
The Red Queen
dEAR aUNTIE eDNA
OK. OK, lemme see……that's 10 outta 10 plus several points for each of my three pairs of Dr. Scholl's. That makes 10 + 3 + 3 + 3= 19. Yup. My total is 19. I win…!
Dear N. O'Geezerette,
We cannot declare you a winner yet, there are a few stragglers on the other side of the moon. Give them a chance to turn the spotlights back on, eh?
Miz Mae..